Internal ramblings of a rambler!

In the wee hours of Thursday morning (2.23am to be exact) I sat watching Buffy in the dark, specifically “Once more with feeling” and as I sang along my theatrical exploits felt inadequate! My mind drifted back to the last catestrophic play that I wrote and thought “what was I thinking?!” it should never have been seen by a mass public.

So I sat contemplating my future, as I realize I am intending to do yet another Fringe and have been merrily typing away at my spanking new laptop attempting to write yet another masterpiece. Some days I feel like Ed Wood, I have the passion but the creative side just isn’t oozing out of all pores. Oh curse my ability to wrap packages all pretty like and be unable to write a simple script that engages an audience and direct a play that creates a stir.

In 3 months another Fringe will be upon me and if I’m really honest, the enthusiasm just isn’t there. I remember my first Fringe, a mixture of fear and excitement, I felt a part of something grand, but now the sparkle is gone. I can’t help but feel it will again disappoint, and again I will feel inadequate and a wannabe has been.

As I try to pin down my partner in crime with little success (a master procrastinator) my desire to be involved is shrinking. I don’t want to lead the merry band into the unknown, I don’t want the responsibility or to have to make the decisions. Instead I want to enjoy the ride, something I haven’t been able to do in such a long time.

But I am a control freak and to be honest I couldn’t just sit back.

“Charlotte, stop your whinging and just enjoy yourself! Stop worrying about whether or not the critics are going to like it and tickets get sold!”

On with the show.